“Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?”
Thus begins the introvert’s manifesto, a piece by Jonathan Rauch in The Atlantic titled “Caring for Your Introvert.” Published in March 2003, the short essay has triggered an unexpectedly enthusiastic response. Four and a half years later, it still draws more traffic than any other page in the archives of the magazine. Rauch explains that introverts are not shy or anti-social, but are exhausted by other people. The piece perfectly describes me, but it doesn’t give many specific pointers for how to deal with an introvert. Here are some things that have been on my mind that I think other introverts will agree with.
DOs and DON’Ts
DON’T talk to me before I’ve had my coffee. Caffeine is an introvert’s best friend. I have just as much energy as the next guy, but talking requires a ton.
DO say hello. Just don’t say anything else. As much as I may love you, I wasn’t planning on seeing you on the street. If I had something to say to you besides hello, I would’ve scheduled a lunch or something.
DON’T talk to me if I don’t know you. Trust me, if you like awkward, empty conversations with strangers, we have nothing in common.
DO call me. I have some of my best conversations on the phone. I can spend hours on the phone talking about something I wouldn’t have spent one minute on in person. Phone conversations are premeditated, one on one, and in a controlled environment. And they’re easy to end.
DON’T make conversation in a line of any sort. Talking in lines should be illegal. There’s no clearer example of a situation where I set out to do something that did not include having a conversation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to change my plans for lunch after seeing someone I know in line. I wish it were socially acceptable to wear a huge cardboard box while waiting in line. If you see me, pretend I am.
DO make conversation over a meal. Meals are another high point for introverts. Personally, I think it’s because both parties are seated. Talking is an activity for me, not something that goes on in the background. Eating tends to be automatic enough that I can give the conversation my full attention.
DON’T tell me I don’t go out enough. You don’t stay in enough. My room is my sanctuary. I’d love to spend time with you here. I have no interest in moving to a location with people I don’t know, where I’ll have to stand up, where I’ll have to yell to be heard, where no one has any interest in talking about anything anyone really cares about, and where it’s probably too warm.
DO talk to me about yourself. Whereas it completely drains me to make small talk, big talk is energizing and fun. It doesn’t have to be philosophical or important, just interesting and personal. I could write a whole guide on this one tip. Here’s a short summary: don’t talk to me about the weather, friends in common, the news, our professors, or our homework assignments. Do tell me stories about yourself, tell me what you did today, tell me what annoys you, tell me what you’ve been thinking about. Introverts are great listeners if what we’re listening to has substance. If I’m talking to you, I want to know you and I want you to know me.
DON’T call me “serious.” For some reason, it’s taboo to say anything thoughtful in a group setting. I can’t tell you how many times someone has responded to me with something like “Wow Danny, you’ve really thought that through,” and then chuckled, as if I were some sort of novelty. Of course I’ve thought it through, or I wouldn’t have said it.
DO embrace silence. If there’s nothing worth talking about, everyone’s time is better spent thinking. Most silences aren’t awkward, unless you’re just an awkward person.
DON’T think that I like being alone. I need to be alone after being in a group for a while, to recharge. But I love being around people most of the time, even if we’re not engaging in anything. There’s a great line from Waiting for Godot: “Don’t talk to me. Don’t speak to me. Stay with me.”
After Rauch’s essay was published, there was a huge response (follow up interview and email compilation). One email talked about an introvert anthem: “Every Word You Say,” by Jesse Winchester. The introverted emailer wrote that she danced with her extroverted husband at their wedding to Jerry Garcia’s cover of the song. The opening lyrics are great: “I’m no good company, I guess that’s true/I like my silence, like I love you/But if you feel like talking, talk away/I’m gonna hang on every word you say.” It turned out to be pretty hard to find, but I managed to turn up both versions. Here they are, in a Canals exclusive.
Jesse Winchester - Every Word You Say
Jerry Garcia - Every Word You Say
-Danny
104 comments ↓
I loved this article. I am an extrovert married to an introvert who I love a great deal but who also can drive me a little crazy. My understanding and respect for my husband increased significantly when our son was diagnosed with autism. Not that introverts are autistic. (I don’t want to get anyone angry at me!) However, like our son, when my husband is tired or overworked, he CANNOT deal with a lot of people. He really isn’t being rude. Coming from a huge family, that was hard for me to understand.
Anyway, that’s for the link. I printed it for my husband and he really enjoyed it.
Well I’m an introvert married to an extrovert and sometimes he drives me crazy too. I wish that sometimes he wouldn’t talk so much. While I’m ducking for cover trying to avoid someone I may recognize at the mall, he’s making his way towards them! The ‘just say hello’ rule is utter perfection.
What a sad read.
I’m an introvert and related to alot of this, but I don’t mind talking to strangers and I tolerate conversations in the morning.
I don’t understand why David thinks this is a sad read. I like being an introvert, the only problem I have with it is insensitive extroverts (not to say all extroverts are insensitive). If the world were full of only extroverts it would be very one dimensional.
Sad, why sad? This is my life and think its great. Maybe my life doesn’t have as much fun using an extroverts definition, but using an introverts definition it is a great life. To each her own.
The sadness comes from a lack of understanding. We each have to feel comfortable in our own skins. Some people do not understand that others have different needs, and consider it sad when others don’t embrace the same joys. I love the outdoors, is it sad that someone else prefers to be a homebody?
If only my husband could understand that my need to be alone doesn’t mean that I don’t love him! I just need time alone to recharge, restore, recoup and have quiet. He takes it personally. I am emailing him a link.
This is good stuff. One thing that I and other introverts I know would differ with you on is the phone — I HATE talking on the phone, because the conversation is forced, and all pauses are awkward. At least in person you can look around, pretending to be interested in your surroundings when you need a break from talking. And you can use your face and body language when needed.
I think the most important thing to convey is that we like talking when it’s about big ideas. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”
One rule I would add: DON’T stare at me throughout a conversation; direct eye contact is powerful (like looking into a bright light) and should be limited to when you’re saying something important or conveying information. If we’re just chatting, it feels like I’m an animal in a zoo, here to amuse you with my facial expressions. It feels both condescending and uncomfortable.
It felt great reading this. All my life, people have been telling me that I’ve been doing it wrong (’get a life’ has always been a popular quote). It’s good to know that I wasn’t doing it wrong after all, and the people telling me I was were just extroverts who hadn’t taken the time to understand we view life differently to them
I’m not proud of being an introvert but it seems okay considering the alternative. I think the problem is less with these people and more with what our society values. Why can’t someone say something political or even philosophical in a group without getting a “Whoa heavy,” response. Why does everything have to be fluff and pop culture in order to be deemed interesting and acceptable conversation?
That really bothers me that someone called it a “sad read.” For once I was sort of feeling like there were other people I could related to but before I even got to the end of the page I felt alienated all over again.
I agree. You hit a few things spot on.
I enjoyed your article. I’m definitely an introvert in that I find the company of other people draining and don’t really enjoy social situations. I absolutely need alone time, and I can be unbearable when I don’t get it.
Still, I think I’ve learned some coping skills, and I think any introvert can. There’s no need for us introverts to try and change (in fact, I don’t believe we can), but there are ways to make dealing with an introverted world just a little easier. Maybe I’ll blog about them some day.
well said. this is some of the most validating words ive ever read. i get frustrated as well when i try to talk with people and my attempt at deep conversation is usually overshadowed by, for example, gossip. i get so sick of poeple pratically lecturing me on going out. i need and love the time alone and dont like explaining why. the biggest drawback is what it can do to a relationship. i think it is really important to be very honest with close friends about this. i know im often misjudged and people misinterpret me as stuck up. thank you sop much for sharing this. brillant.
puny earthlings! this is an interesting read! morbo is actually an introvert with culture shock…morbo doubts if extroverts or normal people will visit this page/ be interested in it/ try to follow it although he sees a few comments from them. When Morbo’s people invade this puny planet they shall be the first meal to our death rays! muhaha…sorry if this is lame
I have to say everything except 1-4 is dead on. I have less contempt for empty conversations with strangers than with friends or coworkers I’ve known for awhile, so as long as it’s one-on-one polite conversation (with strangers) I’m fine. At parties it’s different, and I’m only able to tolerate them if I find one or two people to zero in on and have a meaningful conversation with them, away from the group. I don’t need coffee in the morning at all, and I hate talking on the phone for the same reasons as were elucidated by someone else above. Honestly it took me a long time to come to grips with my introvertedness, because I had to understand that it’s not the same thing as being shy. Shy people are reclusive from all social situations because they’re afraid of what people might say or think, introverts don’t really care and just find ourselves exhausted by people.
Another clarification for non-introverts - we don’t typically like parties, but that doesn’t mean we only want to stay inside. We like going out and doing things that enable small, personal conversations (small dinners, movies, etc) and though I can’t speak for everyone, I know that I LOVE the outdoors.
OMG I thought my ex was just weird but turns out plenty of people are like him! Not that introverts are weird but I just thought he was one of a kind. He always needed to be alone in his room, which was a bit of a pain when I had gone round his to spend time with him, but i always need to be with people, with particular emphasis on the need. I’m not loud or annoying like you would imagine an extrovert to be but I just go crazy if i’m left on my own and I absolutely hate it! Needless to say my ex and I were complete opposites and we drove each other mad so we eventually split up! It’s nice to know he wasn’t just ‘weird’!
I just “stumble!”ed on this article and was Wow’d. I even followed all links and printed 17 pages out so i can hand it to my girlfriend. I love her to death but there are times she just drives me nuts with her need to go out. There isn’t a single day that she doesn’t head downtown for coffee or to her sisters for a visit. She often thinks i am being anti-social and ask me “are you ok?” & “is everything alright?” or “whats wrong?” this averages 10 times a day. I on the other hand i love to sit in my apartment by myself and can go days without talking to people. Hopefully reading the things i printed out will help my girlfriend understand i’m not crazy, just introvert. Thanks for keeping a story from 2003 current and available for other to find.
Thank you so much just for publishing this page. It makes me feel less alienated and alone by how I interact and relate to people. Almost every single one of your points I could relate to perfectly…especially the substance in conversation, dislike of pointless ’small talk’, the seriousness point, and the anecdote with the Godot reference. I am an eighteen year old college freshman and am going through what I like to call existential angst in regards to my role in society. These small comments helped even if temporarily. Thanks.
lmao. btw just like kelly above me i ’stumble’d on this page as well. thank god for firefox. ’stumble upon’ is my new best friend haha
Can I call you? We can talk about how I’ve discovered the ‘extroverted’ rules and now use them to advantage. My ‘experimental pilot project’ trying out my theory had unexpected consequences - I became incredibly popular almost instantly (crazy), was flooded with job offers (more crazy) and offers of stellar personal references from people I barely knew(beyond all crazy) and within a month had landed a much better paying and more responsible position than I could have possibly imageined with my experience. (Ultimately CRAZY! In a good way..) Turns out that extroverts aren’t like us at all! They are much more simple and therefore…um…easier to please. I’m really tired though as I needed to put in a sustained ‘extroverted’ effort. When the ‘trial’ period for the job is over I look forward to letting out my breather and letting go of that perma -your-my-bestest-friend-ever smile!
Interesting article.
I don’t like the terms introvert/extrovert. Life is not black and white like that. Merely defining yourself as one thing is setting an unconscious mental limit on your ability to grow as a person over time. I personally share many traits of both introvert and extrovert. Sometimes things are best left undefined.
And to ‘grownupsarebetter’, you come across as somewhat condescending.
My impression is that the ‘introverted’ are simply more sensitive to the noisy static of the mundane, familiar and ordinary, and so they resist the company of those who embody such. I was glad to discover that the clinically introverted can still be outgoing among strangers; I am so because of the likelihood - the inevitability - of meeting the interesting and stimulating among them. I still enjoy the company of nice folk regardless of their depth because I regard kindness as an essential, pleasing and even interesting human trait. But life and time are too precious to be distracted by the quotidian. So excuse me while I resume ‘Stumbling’.
Warm wishes
Just curious about the author… since the tagline for the website is ‘from birth to deaf’… deaf referring to listening to loud music too long, or deaf meaning communicates through sign language? it got me thinking whether a person’s tendency toward extroversion/introversion could be related to their communication method and which social circles they’re communicating in at the time. just a thought.
[…] This sounds a lot like me (not shockingly - I have a Meyers-Briggs type of ISTJ, and, in fact, scored 0 in the “E” (extravert) category last time I took that particular test). […]
I am an introvert who is able to get “out there” as needed. I love being alone and like someone mentioned came to believe that I was “doing it wrong” because my goals and interests aren’t of the mainstream. It has taken me years to accept myself as I am…and not hurt because I am not like everyone else!!
Hey, this is perfect … describes me exactly, and puts into words what I would not be able to explain nearly as effectively. Bravo.
i am an introvert, and through my experiences, i have to say that i wish i had a consistent person whom i could simply get coffee with in the evenings and have a discourse about politics, art, music, etc. being 21 and in college places a large amount of pressure on the party and social life in our day and age, and i simply reminisce over the days when i walked home in the evenings, listened to jazz, got home, made a pot of coffee and enjoyed the scenery of the world outside.
consistently however, the social pressures of friends and family wondering this and that about my days, wanting extensive detailed accounts of my days have grown increasingly persistent, and occasionally drive me crazy. i definitely dont have the energy for that. i always get the “you work to hard” line. i dont think so, i think i just get my rise out of thinking, along with the occasional opportunity to apply it here and there. anyone agree or in a similar boat?
I disagree with Sazquatch about the introversion/extraversion terms. I think they are valuable and useful in helping us understand ourselves and others. The actual tests for these traits place us on a scale from 10 to 100; I come out as just slightly introverted. In life I am a definite introvert but not at all an extreme one, so I agree with the test results.
I don’t like parties or bars because it’s virtually impossible to hold what I would consider an interesting conversation in those places. And I also get those goofy remarks like “wow, that’s really deep.” Why would I waste my breath if I didn’t have something to say? I also don’t like to talk in the morning, especially before I’ve had any caffeine.
However, I differ when it comes to talking with strangers in line and at bus stops. I really enjoy meeting new people and want to know what other people’s lives are like. These are not superficial conversations: I hear about people’s relatives in the hospital, people’s financial problems, violence etc… I have been puzzled when my friendliness is met with silence, but I guess some people are really uncomfortable talking with strangers…
I am also an introvert, and I relate to nearly everything above. I can formulate great presentations, but I HATE presenting or getting up in front of people. The part about avoiding someone you know when out in public is exactly how I feel. Although I enjoy and embrace being an introvert, I also strive to step outside my comfort zone everyday, and learn to be more comfortable around people.
As an introvert who is now much more social, I don’t think the world owes you anything. Looking back, what I thought was my introversion could be broken down into:
1) Not being good at socializing, so I experienced it as unrewarding. Kind of like a kid who hates math because he can’t wrap his head around the concepts.
2) Being too serious and uptight. Having unrealistic expectations about how other people should act, and getting annoyed when the world didn’t work the way I wished it did.
1) I practiced and got better at socializing and started to find it fun. When I ran into someone on the street, I had something to say instead of running off because it made me feel flustered and awkward. When I talked to someone at work, I came away thinking it was fun, not feeling bitter because the fact that I sucked with people got thrown in my face again.
2) I lightened up and didn’t get so irked at life.
iam an extroverted introvert. I have spent a great deal of time and energy perfecting my “game face” in order to keep those who don’t understand from forcing their way in. I find this article exhilarating. Finally, the little girl who was always told to go play with her “friends” is allowed to take the time to know herself and appreciate her solitude. I have many friendly aquaintances but my friends-my true companions- understand my need and love me for my intuitive thoughtful nature. I love my introvert. She’s the coolest…
I suppose I’m a well socialized introvert. I think I can adapt to most extroverts in my daily life, but I’m exhausted when the day is over. I am extremely protective of my alone time in the evenings and on weekends. I love that I enjoy my own company - I know so many people who don’t know how to be alone without being lonely. Like IW, I do wish I had someone to hang out with and who understood what being an introvert means - that I’m not antisocial, but there are limits to my energy level, that I’m perhaps a bit too serious about myself, but I can be nudged into laughing about it. Introversion being what it is, it’s often difficult to find other introverts…
I liked somebody’s idea about avoiding talking even to known people at mall and that a “Hello” is definitely enough.
I am introverted and I personally like the way it is, although I have had many thoughts like “What’s wrong with me?”, especially in middle teenage years — teenage years was the time when my introverted personality started showing up more obviously. As I’ve read these comments, I see that all those introverts actually understand what extroverts are like and why they are such and admits that they sometimes drive them crazy with exaggerative activity.
That’s quite a disappointing to find that relationship between extroverts and introverts is often experiencing difficulties, but as well it is obvious that there exist great feelings also. So, according to me, this is the thing to blame about spoiled relationships — there is enough understanding between these 2 types of people, but there are not enough wishes to make compromises.
[…] read more… […]
Thank God someone said it. Life as an introvert blows. People at work think your stuck up and don’t like they just because you shy away from the local banter. I have trouble making phone calls, even to a pizzaria, because I feel out of place initiating a conversation before I have been given the go ahead. When I go to a pizzaria, the specifically ask me what I want, do I feel free to answer.
Words of wisdom, thanks. I especially love the “hello” rule.
I love being alone in my room on my computer or watching a good film or documentary so I guess I’m an introvert in my own time but when I’m at work (I work in a shop) I’m a bit of an extrovert with the customers and like to have a good laugh with them or a short conversation and find this stimulating.As far as socializing I prefer to visit someone than have them visit me as my room is my sanctuary.Also this enables me to control the length of the visit as it is easier to leave than get someone to leave.All the time I am
at work or round somebody’s visiting (which is something I don’t do very often) I am looking forward to getting home and being alone with my cat.I never get bored when I’m on my own and could spend days in my room or even weeks without seeing anyone if I didn’t have work to go to or shops to visit for food and supplies.Not to say that I don’t like the outdoors I love isolated places like woods and country lanes and am quite at home on the beach even if it is crowded.I do get bored in social situations though especially if I’m not getting enough entertaining stimulation (i.e a good laugh or my kind of music or film). I’m not in a relationship and haven’t been so for a long time but I don’t get lonely or worried about this and I almost dread getting involved with someone for fear of losing the pleasure of being alone and doing whatever I like in my spare time.She would have to be as introvert as me and give me enough space for it to work.
Of all extroverts people that talk too much wear me out the most it seems like they are afraid of silence or the sound of their own thoughts or body.My favorite extroverts are those that use it to entertain or for artistic purposes these kind of extroverts I like being around and some can bring it out in me.
Gah! You people talk too much! Be quiet. I’m trying to think…
Just a joke from a fellow introvert. (INTP)
thank you so much for this website! my boyfriend is an introvert and im an extrovert - we constantly argue and i never understood why. i came across this website and i can relate to it and i am starting to slowly understand him which is a relief!
And introverts can be funny too! (when he is in the mood) but most of the time i’ve experienced deep conversations with him and my head just spins because i dont know what he is talking about…it’s just not interesting for me anymore when it starts getting interesting for him. 
I stumbled here and this is something that should be posted…
everywhere people go, I don’t want to talk about the things you and I can see, weather great, yea, that matters, nor do I care for actors and singers, but start talking about humanity, I’m there!/!
Not every single introvert likes coffee, mistake number one.
alright, except tea is infinitely better than coffee
Thank you! It’s very hard for me to make people understand that idle chatter and meaningless conversation is tiring at best - utter torture at worse.
It’s not that we are sad, unhappy or depressed we just happen to not require the same amount of ‘busy-ness’ others seem to need. We don’t need it.
Oh I so relate.
To Dwindle, who said that “life as an introvert blows,” I’d like to respectfully disagree. It sucks being extroverted because you have a constant need to be around people. That’s great if you actually get to be around people, but if you’re shy and/or isolated, that’s not always possible. (And yes, I am a shy extrovert!) I have only felt completely, wholeheartedly happy for one year of my life, when I studied abroad and found a great group of friends who I hung out with all of the time. When I was there, I never worried about being alone because I was never alone unless I chose to be. The rest of my life, I have never had that kind of community. I spend much of my time alone, partly because of my line of work, but also because my husband is an introvert who, quite frankly, does not satisfy my needs on a social level. He listens to me, but it’s hard to have a conversation with someone who doesn’t talk, so eventually I stop talking too. He doesn’t tell me anything about how his day went or what people he talked to. He’s so closed off from me, it feels sometimes like he’s a blank slate. He rarely comes with me to parties, and when he does, he looks so bored and always wants to leave early, so I end up being grateful when he doesn’t come with me. And then I feel bad for being grateful that he’s not there. I am so frustrated with our marriage, and I really wish there was someone who could tell me what to do about it. I love my husband and I don’t want to leave him or anything, I’m just so frustrated and I know there has to be a way for this to work.
Like so many other people have commented; I love the validation this article gives. The rules are perfect, especially the ‘hello’ rule - so true. If I had meant to talk to you, I would have made arrangements to do so. Although, I can’t agree with the phone rule. I hate the phone. It is my nemesis. I avoid it at all costs, and knowing that I have to make a call often makes me anxious (although, likely that is due to my anxiety issues).
I hate the phone too. And I actually do like talking to strangers. I’d actually pick talking to a stranger over talking to someone I’ve known for years. I think that that’s because the stranger is new and interesting to me, while the person I’ve known for years seems like I know everything there is to know about that person so I don’t feel the need to talk to them. Anyone else like this?
I loved this article a lot though. Thanks.
@stars and spice-
My recommendation would be to talk to him about it…since you guys seem to love each other the important thing is that you can communicate about it, otherwise it will only cause more problems (especially at a time when you or him are already aggravated). I know if I was in his shoes I would be able to compromise, but of course Im not him so I dont know exactly what goes through his head. So talk to him about it.
As for the article-
I disagree with some of the things…but overall its comforting to see so many people like this. Going through high school as I am I always kinda felt like something was wrong through my freshman year, but I dont really have any problems with confidence so I assumed that all extroverts must be insecure. I just never understood it. And other people never understood why I never put their number in my phone…I just didnt want to have to talk on the phone.
So its nice to have an understanding of the differences between introverts and extroverts, and it certainly makes things easier to explain when people ask why Im not social or dont like parties. It seems like the only place I can meet intellectual folk is on the internet…hopefully that changes, but its difficult to meet other introverts since theyre…well…not really in social areas.
Excellent article. I’m quite introverted, and this article says very well all the things I would like people to just know. Having to talk people through the fine art of dealing with me defeats the ends of friendship. Having someone in my life who “gets” the above about me rocks.
I really liked this article! I found it to be very revealing, even though I’m only mildly introverted. One thing I noticed about why I dislike parties, bars, etc. is not so much the fact that there are a lot of people but the noise itself. I’ve noticed that too much loud noise, bright lights, or crowding tires me, and I have to go home and read a book in a dim, quiet place for a while after a party or concert. I enjoy these occasions if I’m in the right mood, but they do tire me out.
I get my alone time in the mornings - I’m a morning person, and often wake up early to work on things, read, or just relax in the quiet. I like to sit on my porch and listen to birds sing, if it’s warm out. Also, does anyone else get stressed out by watching too much TV? If the TV is on for too long or if I’m stressed already, the noise and constantly changing pictures stress me out even more and I have to turn it off or leave the room. I suppose that these qualities make me a bit introverted, but I also get lonely if I’m alone for too long, love to converse with people, and enjoy “going out” even though it tires me out a little.
I loved this article. It was so refreshing to be able to read the do’s and don’ts and think “thats exactly how I feel”. I especially liked the hello part. I am very guilty of avoiding people I know in the mall or grocery store because I don’t feel like a long, drawn out conversation.
I agree with the above post from Dan. I would rather talk to strangers for a short while because they are more interesting than someone I have known for years.
Thanks for a great article.
this article….is absolutely amazing and so incredibly true
i only disagree with the phone one.
i hate talking on the phone so bad
but other than that every thing is dead on
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I agree with all of the above, except for the part about the phone - I despise using the phone and use e-mail instead wherever possible. I agree with Nicole, too, TV is extremely irritating. Movies are ok, but shows with commercials and blathering news programs drive me batty.
me too. talking on the phone is something i force myself to do or do when i have high energy and am in a good mood to catch up with friends, so to speak. i also prefer talkign with people i’ve never met. something fresh and easy about it, rather than same people i see day after day. i find stimulation from being with people probably because i am a sensation seeker and highly sensitive person if anyone is familiar with the work of Dr. Elaine Aron. I would love to give presentations or workshops on introverts adn highly sensitive people so that introverts felt some relief of normalcy and extroverts understood their spouses, mates, friends a bit better and didn’t get so mad and upset with them that they didn’t want to hang out. I ‘m still exhausted at the end of my days…fidning the balance between too much and not enough stimulation can be tough. In the meantime, it’s nice to read about other introvert’s/highly sensitive people’s stories and smile knowing that they too enjoy staying in on the weekends reading, perusing the internet and going to bed early!
I actually hate these introvert explaination things. We aren’t so stupid that we just don’t grasp the social concept of someone not really wanting to talk to you. You introverts need to understand we extroverts dont really give a damn how you feel. I mean, we’d shut up if you told us to, but its not like im going to change my whole personality just for you and your needs. Extroverts need attention. Alot. So when we are noisy and boisterous it isnt because we want to annoy you or think that you will like us more for it. Its because we need attention. As I’m sure the majority of you introverts have already noticed (you all tend to be perceptive) extroverts dont really care about anyone else but themselves. So next time you are being annoyed by an extrovert, the appropriate measure would likely be to just knock them upside the head because we probably won’t read your heartfelt letter anyway. Fuck. I just wrote a heartfelt letter. This website is polluting my mind! Ima bounce, peace.
oh my i feel understood at last..
Nothing I like more than retiring to my space after a busy day, hundreds of people running about, asking me things, getting in the way.
Time for some peace, for some Me time.
I do prefer 1on1 conversation, but when i’m in a group of friends, I tend to let them talk, whilst I listen. I’m not bored, I’m not being nosey (its an open conversation) but I won’t add anything if I feel my point is invalid. Not a bad thing to take a second to think “Is this gonna go down like a lead balloon?” Nor is it a bad thing to be so confident with yourself that you can speak out, put your Point of View out there for everyone to hear. Thats enough from me now. BTW, StumbleUpon brought me here
OMG! Finally, people who get me! I’m surrounded by extroverts who just don’t get me, but I’m come to realize I’m okay the way I am and I don’t need to change to please others. I will never dance on tables at street dances and I will alway experience anxiety when my hubby announces we’re going to a party. I will always enjoy making small talk to strangers or love going shopping surrounded by people. It’s me and I’m okay with that, finally. This article is so great because it validates that there are others a lot like me and they should realize they don’t need to change either.
As an introvert, I deal with these things day in and day out. Seems like I’m always trying to play catch up as life (at least as a single mom) is constantly on the go, go, go.
But what I found particularly interesting was the depth of the comments on this post. Certainly not your average thread response. Now if I could suround myself by folks like you all, I’d be a much happier camper.
I dislike extraverts they are scary people always think someone is either talking,looking or going to do something to them they are insecure lovers and mates. and often hear voices and may see things from time to time.
I ment to say I dislike intraverts they are scary people always think someone is either talking looking or going to do something to them they are insecur lovers and mates. and often hear voices and may see things from time to time.
I would imagine that each introverted person maintains leans towards different areas of the spectrum listed above. I know for myself, I can get emotionally exhausted thinking about a social event I am going to attend. Once there, I am okay, but I tend to gravitate toward small groups. Once I am home, I need time just to recoup from the experience, no matter how much fun I had. I relish being alone, because I find that I can refocus on things that I need to do (or want to do).
I have no problem being introverted. I just would like it if my extroverted friends would quit trying to change me into something I am not.
I don’t seem to fit any of these scenerios?? I feel that I am an introvert but I do not like being alone. I only feel comfortable with my husband or children or other immediate family members. I feel semi-comfortable with some of hubby’s friends. I really have no friends. I don’t mix well with others. When others that I know are all talking in a room, I’m usually standing there with nothing to say. I would rather do something with my husband and he would like to be more involved with the community and helping others. I feel unloved by this and accuse him of wanting to spend time with others instead of him. We do lots of things together but I’m jealous and anxious when he does things that do not involve me. Am I the only woman out there who would like to spend more time with her husband and he would like to spend more time away from me? Am I smothering him??
Great post! I would like to mention it in my own blog with a link to your site.
Just yesterday, when my husband to be was leaning over me at the computer and talking (thus really bugging me) I blurted out, “Stop talking! I don’t want to hear you right now.” He just smiled and walked away - he knows me.
Lee Ann (the Hermit) INTJ
You are so clear. I was afraid that I might be gay but I can see that it was my social anxiety; I just felt scared about not finding any one yet that I have feelings for. Guess it takes time and I am not really attracted to guys, just jealous of their cool ways around everyone.
Yea Frank and I messed up thinking the same until Gail made me feel like I fit. Got scard 1 time whn a dude almost, well it wasnt right
Thank you for an enlightening and informative article. I was so happy to see introversion “normalized”. So often we tend to diagnose introversion as a “disorder” or suspect that the person is depressed. Human personalities lie on a spectrum and introversion is simply on the opposite end of the spectrum from extroversion. It is another way of being. And both ways are equally “right”. We don’t all have to be social butterflies.
I also loved what you said about not talking in line, not saying “Hello”. In the southern United States you are expected to smile at everyone you meet walking down the street. Geez, this is tiring. I don’t always feel like smiling. I’m not always happy.
And Nisy, you are describing a paranoid schizophrenic, not an introvert. Please.
i don’t know if i’m technically introverted, but alot of these things do apply to my, especially #8 about how i can talk about big things but small talk is exhausting and terrible. i’m really glad i’ve read this especially Morbo’s post which made me laugh
Introversion is not synonymous with self-absorbed, as this article seems to imply. Learn to get along with people, because ultimately, some people have power and if you are not in contact with other people, you forfeit your say in how they wield that power over society. Network with people to discuss topics of social relevance, current events that will shape the future of the community, state or province, country and the world. Connecting with people is necessary for justice; people must care about decisions being made now, for when one of those decisions impacts their lives negatively, one would hope that other people would care enough to recognize their plight. The only way that this is possible is through communication: if you think its bullshit then change the way you communicate with people. Keep it real and keep the lines open.
So many of you get the definition of an introvert and extrovert wrong. Neither definition means one person is better with people than the other. The real definitions:
Introverts - Get energy from themselves. Thus, a 5 hour party, though fun, tires them out.
Extroverts - Get energy from others. Thus, a 5 hour party leaves them full of energy, while a few hours by themselves leaves them tired and wanting company.
Many people in the public eye are introverts: Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, Warren Buffett, Howie Long, Spielberg, Michael Jordan, etc.
Introverts need to stop thinking there is something wrong with them. Who the hell cares about the weather anyway? Any idiot can look outside and see what it’s doing…why do we need to talk about it?
Well, I’m introverted - have been all my life. And I was very disappointed when I found this, because only 2 or 3 actually applied to me.
I hate coffee. I’d never drink it unless I was dying of thirst, or hunger, or I simply had to for whatever reason.
I hate it when people say hello to me and nothing else. It’s pointless - say something useful for a change, or please shut your mouth.
Do NOT call me unless totally necessary.
I really don’t care if you talk to me in a line. What on earth is wrong with lines?
I DO actually ENJOY being alone.
I don’t care if you call me serious, as long as it’s true.
I don’t care if you say that I don’t go out much, as long as it’s true.
Do not talk to me over a meal. My brain does not work the same when I’m eating or chewing anything, including bubble gum.
GAHHH. Annoying.
This list is mostly true, although it takes a sort of angry view at extroverts. I have pretty much everything here, but the comments disturb me a bit.
It seems like introverts are seeing this article as a chance to say “Oh, this article means that I’m just an introvert and that there’s nothing I can do to change. People should just live with it.” That’s sort of a bad view to take.
People who are too introverted or too extroverted are either seen as weird or annoying, respectively. I think that most people should work to having a more balanced social life, even if it means going out and talking more or not bothering people that don’t like you.
A lot of the “introverts” here say that they in fact DON’T like talking over the phone, but I think it has to do with the type of the conversation. If someone just calls to talk, I often find it sort of weird, like I should have been preparing some interesting things to say. However, if people called for a real reason, and then say “So, whats up with you?,” I often feel fine because the person on the other side of the line isn’t really expecting a real conversation that much.
Probably the biggest thing I can relate to is the saying “Hello.” A lot of people say “How’r'ya doin” when you are just walking past, either forcing you to stop walking/doing what you are doing to talk with them, or practically ignore them and just say “Hi” and walk past.
Worth quoting from the site that the article links too:
Are introverts arrogant?
“Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts.”
The irony! It burns!
sad fuckers !!!!!!!
As someone who oscillates between extrovert and introvert (though I lean towards the extro side of life), and someone who’s friends with both extremes, the only problem I have with this is the mentality that extroverts should alter their personality to please introverts, instead of both personality types striking some kind of balance. There’s no pain involved in awkwardness, so dealing with it on the off chance that you’re actually INTERESTED in the person’s conversation is well worth it, at least for me.
Also, on the “not trying to be rude” parts:
While an introvert isn’t attempting to be rude by avoiding people or saying terse and “I don’t want to talk to you anymore” type of statements, rudeness is a societal measure of action, not intent. To say “I’m not being rude on purpose, I just don’t like talking to people” is roughly like saying “I didn’t mean to speed, I just enjoy driving fast”. It IS rude to blow someone off when they’re speaking to you and, as most “power managers” that I’ve encountered in the work place have DEFINITELY been under the extrovert category, dealing with a talky extrovert without being rude is an excellent skill to have.
Good read. Some of them apply to me and some don’t. Replace coffee with just waking up in general, I like my mornings quiet. I’m fine with small talk conversations for the most part but I am not a huge fan of talking on the phone. I love my alone time and it’s not uncommon for me to spend the day by myself reading or playing a game.
I dated someone and they were an extrovert and we often clashed over what to do. I preferred to relax at home, he wanted to go out. Eventually we both learned to compromise. And I think that is the key for a lot of other introverts out there. It’s okay to be the way we are, but there is also no harm in stepping outside of the box and trying something new, especially if it’s for someone you love and care for.
I loved this! I am an introvert, I hate making small talk, love to spend time on my own, love to discuss big ideas with one or two others, and cannot be communicated with before my first cup of coffee!! Of course, I agree with the person who commented about the telephone…..I hate talking on the phone. It just takes too much concentration and focus on smaller things.
I have often told people that if I am looking at them while they are talking, I’m not really listening, but if I seem to be staring or watching other things around us, that’s when I am really paying attention.
All this time, I thought there was something wrong with me!
Thanks for the great page!
Thank you for posting this. As many people have mentioned, it’s nice to be reminded that I’m not abnormal for preferring to curl up on the sofa with a book over going out to some bar where everyone has to scream to be understood and the music is too loud and everyone’s all smooshed close together so you can barely breathe let alone move (woo, nightmare. I’ve got a few extroverted friends).
I learned to play extrovert when working in food service, and it never stopped being exhausting.
Note to extroverts: Just because I say I’d rather stay home doesn’t mean I hate you, doesn’t mean I’m a b****, or lazy, or have a cold, or that you should completely stop inviting me out.
I find myself reminding myself that i will go to sleep in a few more minutes but that usually yields stubbornly to a few more minutes spent mining the internet, devouring information, some useless, some informative, but always one new phrase or subject leads to more “googling” to satisfy my desire to attain knowledge so much that i might one day know something about everything and that might be useful enough to use as amunition in a conversation where my insight opens ears, draws attentions, and keeps me actively engaged in a normal conversation. So far it hasn’t worked but it will have to do for now. If you can understand my hopefully vibrant ramble I shouldn’t have to say “I am an introvert”. That is my way of saying it at 4:51 am when it’s blog sites and information like this you just read that fires the synapsis within the brain triggering that deep, intellectual side of you that loves to come out but usually remains deliberately hidden in most social environments when extroverts overwhelmingly dominate the spot. If that was deep, here is simple: Great website, i spent the last hour reading what ppl had to say. Lots of insight, stuff that makes sense, most stuff is consistent throughout. Hopefully more people find this site and contribute a piece of their “introverted uniqeness”. I don’t not like myself for who i am, because really if it was our choice lots of us would be jim carey, but i hate how i can be in class with some people chatting, or outside puffing with the smokers, and I can’t come up with anything to say or how to say it without it being to thought out or to cliche or lame or uninteresting to the group. Sometimes I can get through being confident sometimes I go out of the way to avoid people. Its weired to me because people don’t understand what its like and most are extroverted or at least average and can’t relate so if you cant be quick, and full of small talk and confidence you won’t get the time of day much less a fake smile. Obama is def an introvert. Id say the most introverted of any president ever. Let’s see what happens with him in office… PS: Is it raining out there..lol..
Great article. And a good deal of these post by obvious extro’s drive the point home better then the article itself. The ones who call us ’sad @*$@’s” etc, like we have a disease. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying solitude and eschewing small meaningless yammering or abhorring being driven like cattle to a ‘party’ where we’re forced to play inane games with people, some we hardly know. We are simply different, not better, not worse.
Great article, etc. However, I would point out that SOME introverts, like myself, may indeed have a “disease,” or at least a clinical syndrome: Asperger’s. Like the character in Boston Legal who found out in midlife about his diagnosis of Asperger’s, I found the diagnosis a bit of a relief. As he (somewhat) says, “I spent my whole life wondering why I coudn’t be ‘normal’…now I know why. I’m not.”
i think i am “equally” extroverted and introverted, with more defined introversion conducts
when i’m in school [i’m 22] i find myself surrounded by people [not a lot, just a few], i’m always chatting, catching up, joking and even gossiping, but that’s about it in terms of my social life, everything else gets me really anxious
in most social situations, from small family events to bars and clubs, i feel completely out of place when i cannot find someone or something in common to talk about, making me anxious, uncomfortable and BORED
i avoid small talk, i hide myself in a store if i see someone i know, when there’s a “big” party at my house i don’t even leave my room, when someone calls me on the phone and i don’t want to talk, i don’t answer, i prefer being texted
i enjoy a lot my ME TIME and many people just don’t get it, i can go to a concert alone and enjoy watching a film or two by myself at the movie theatre, for me those are not social events, they are cultural events, the point is seeing the show
i have gone in school trips around the world and at night while everyone goes out clubing and partying, i prefer staying or walking, but in the last trip they “blackmailed” me to go and i have not choice but to “politely” refuse to go
it’s great to get to know so many people like me and i hope i meet someone like me in the “real world”
I’m 16. I’ve had trouble with my social life and trying to work things out with people and parents, I thought I was going insane and than I remembered about introverted personalities. Reading your entry, it goes with everything I am and how I feel. I’m glad someone understands :).
“us, and them…” this is a very sad article indeed. now an extrovert is gonna come up with a list citing exact opposing reasons on “caring for your extrovert.” tit for tat, and a whole lot of degrees of separation by choice. I’m an introvert and an extrovert…but one thing I don’t want to be is like the jerk who wrote this article. Grow up…get some social skills, join the world and stop insisting you’re the “only one” with issues. First time ever introverts actually made me feel as if they choose to be losers!
nice one, cebelina, heaven forbid that we actually acknowledge the differences between people and try to accomodate the needs and wants of those we love.
i would love to have a list of basic instructions how to make the people around me feel as respected, valued, and secure as possible, regardless of intro- and extro-version. and to have them read mine, as well.
As an introvert, this article is a mass of mostly BS.
One of the sadder things I’ve ever read. If I had to remember all this to talk to someone, I’d never do it.
It’s like telling anybody who likes people to avoid introverts entirely.
Life is a balancing act… not a circus act. There are extremes which this article has come very close to tapping into. And not in a good way.
All of this is great information, and, yes, it does seem to also apply rather well to persons with Asperger Syndrome, a high functioning form of autism.
I’m going to ignore the naysayers…those who don’t understand, because I don’t really like to argue with people who don’t know what they are talking about.
I am an introvert who has been in an “office” setting for about 18 months now…whew, it is an awful existence sometimes, and I know people grow quite uncomfortable around me at times, especially when I shut down. But although I can “get along” to “get along” at times and join in with the chatter around me, sometimes I just can’t fake it anymore, and my brain shuts down. I have worked jobs in retail, and in sales, and enjoyed them to a point…as long as I had time to “recharge my batteries” I was fine. But the office nightmare is something I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to. I’m not trying to be mean, or stuck up or standoffish, but I guess that’s what some people have labeled me. Oh well…it’s not sad, it’s just frustrating.
I am an introvert, and i hate it when people either talk about nothing, bother me when im working, think my silence is wierd, or joke that im plotting a killing spree or am antisocial.
It is also rude that so many extroverts have no care about it. I wish employers and job sites gave them training on this issue. my word isnt spoken for all of us - but i know i hate nothing more than over-socials acting like they are the 90%.
I am definitly introverted, I married an extrovert, we have different desires. Bars, parties and loud places are unbearable. She likes noisy crowded places, I thought as we matured this would be less often, I was wrong.
While this is a good article describing introvert habits, it does not mean introvertedness is good. nor is extrovertedness. if it exhausts you to spend time at parties, that’s ok, occasional exercise is good for you. if it is unbearable to be alone, that’s ok, practice will hone the mind. The point is, don’t take the definition for ‘introvert’ or ‘extrovert’ as an excuse not to forceably try to better yourself.
Reading the definition of a depressed person and saying ‘hey, that’s me! now that i know there’s a name for people like me, i can be ok with wanting to kill myself all the time.’ that’s an extreme example, but you get the point.
On a personal note: f#ck small talk and phone conversations.
Does anyone else absolutely HATE having to meet someone over the phone? (as opposed to talking to someone you already know on the phone)
Wow, the author really thought this through.
[…] Posted in personal by writerwriting on the March 2, 2009 I stumbled upon a blog post entitled “Caring for your introvert” and thought that I’d make some notes here instead of commenting on that particular blog post […]
Partly I do agree with the points that have been said above; not entirely.
For example, I love going out but dislike people who demand constant attention.
Sometimes I need to “recharge” by being alone and be in minimum contact with people and sometimes I do need company.
The best solution for all the sides is to be more sensitive: if the other person does not get along with the conversation, the suitable solution is to leave him alone for a while (maybe he has something on his mind etc).
i completely agree with d writer … i m an introvert ,.. n i know ppl normally tend to misunderstand us , just bcoz we dnt like 2 speak up everytime like an extrovert … conveyin our feelin out is reallly difficult which people normally dnt understand . i have an extrovery boyfriend . he loves me a lot n even i do .. but his ways of sayin everythin n my ways of sayin things is diifferent.. he tries to onderstand me a lot but d difference is still there which our love can handle
Thank you for this article. All of the Dos and Don’ts apply to how I feel about interacting with others, but I recognize the necessity of not allowing oneself to be trapped by either polar distinction of personality type.
The first step to balancing yourself in this respect is knowing yourself and being comfortable with who you are. To achieve that feeling of infinity, we must first take complete possession of our own subjective world, and then reconcile what we see as objective opposites within ourselves.
One word about the depth of that last paragraph and I will slap you.
I consider myself primarily an extrovert because I love conversation, will always say hello, etc. However, I also relate to those who would consider themselves mostly introverted. Sometimes silence is golden, and sometimes being alone is the best way to truly recharge! If everyone could understand that, life would be a little bit easier.
This describes me pretty damn well. I think the writer of this really nailed it when he says that silence isn’t necessarily awkward. It seems that lots of girls are VERY sensitive to silence, and if its silent for a silence its an awkward silence. I really could not have put it better than when you said “If there’s nothing to say, think” though not in those exact words. Honestly, the thing with the phone is also very true for me, I have talked with friends for hours on the phone, maybe just because it feels less overwhelming. And finally, I too NEED to be alone at some point. I NEED to recharge, listen to music, and play guitar or else I will be seriously messed up. Sometimes I feel like people are just boring, and that solitude is way better. Geez, this article is a masterpiece.
Oh my god sorry for the double post but I also hate small talk. Whats the point of talking about such disposable useless things when you can talk about something of substance. Again sorry, but this actually makes me feel really awesome because I know I’m not the only one like this.
Another phone hating, night-owl, creative arts/music Infp/Hsp Introvert, from a family of dominant ESTJ Extrovert parents who never understood who I am and thought I’m ‘defective’ as I hardly talk, like solitude etc, so was put through so called ‘hell’ with various psychological experiments etc. That did more harm than good, even sensitive psychologists who i saw in deep self doubt…said Introversion is just a Character trait (nothing wrong with it), Sensitivity even High (HSP) also…Difficult to accept, yes. SO hate the phone, even my more extroverted music teacher says, phones is really nerving/irritating at times, there you go.
JUST WANT TO SAY SUMTHING IF U ALL ACTUALLY R INTROVERTS U HAVNT EVER POSTED UR COMMENT HERE COZ THEY DONT EVER WANT OTHERS TO ABT THEMSELVES..THEY R HAPPY WITH THEMSELVES..’
I FEEL SO ..SORRY PLEASE DONT MIND
OMG i could not agree more! Even as a child, i was quite the introvert; still am. I’ve always had a hard time getting comfortable around new people, particularly extroverts. Although i do have extroverted friends who thankfully accept me for me. I even tend to be a bit extroverted around them since i’m comfortable enough to not care much.
What’s especially frustrating to me is dating and relationships. A first date with an extrovert is hard to nail. I just tried that recently and i’m guessing the nearly 3 week silence is my answer as to whether or not he enjoyed hanging out with me lol. I tried to explain it to him a bit, but oh well. On the other hand, a date with another introvert can be somewhat frustrating as many of them will wait for the other person to make a move; and of course the other person’s doing the exact same thing. Takes forever sometimes to get anything accomplished.
All in all, this article makes absolute sense to me. It’s certainly nice to know i’m not the only one around like that, although it almost always feels like it. I love the part about the not wanting to yap while in line; i live in the south (from up north though) and i hate when i’m expected to make small talk with the person behind me. They smile and make a random comment about some insignificant thing. Then proceed to look at me like i’m retarded for giving a weak smile and then turning back around.
And i completely get misread for either boring or stuck up all the time.
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